I still don’t, but almost three weeks have passed since I posted on my “daily” blog.  It seemed important to check in.

Here’s what I know so far:

• I’m not feeling very talkative.  Quite the contrary, I’m feeling uncharacteristically quiet and pensive.
• I no longer want to travel to Central America, nor even the lower United States.  At least for now.  Something else is brewing, although I’m really not clear yet what that something is.
• If all of the reasons that caused me to began my blog have changed, does it still make sense for me to continue?  The answer I came up with, for today, was “no.”

I wouldn’t change this “menopause” for the world now (I’ve decided to narrow my blame down to menopause/mid-life crisis).  This is a very difficult time, but it comes with its own rewards.  If I could take a pill and restore myself to the person I like to think I am, I no longer would.  (What a gift to be in that magic place where what I want is what I have.)  This emotional wringer, oddly, is helping me to reunite with a deeper self that I abandoned long ago.  I had been so busy being responsible and “on it” that I left no time for the luxury of self-caring.  Of course, it’s ludicrous to think this was a viable way of living; the trouble was, I wasn’t thinking.  I was simply responding to whatever life threw in my path.

But life is slowing down.  I’m slowing down.  It’s time.

I read an old journal entry this morning:

I still want long walks.  Deep talks.  Slow, glowing, tender lovemaking.  Holding each other, talking and dreaming throughout the night.

As I read that this morning, I was the only person who came to mind!  It’s time to court myself again.  I’m heading out for a long walk now.

I’m not sure when, or if, we’ll speak again.  I have so enjoyed our time together.  Know that I love you.  That I wish you peace and the very best you have to offer.

It’s right before my menstrual cycle, and I’m a bit flat and lethargic. But I’m not actively wishing I would just stop existing. That’s saying a LOT in my book!

I’m feeling as though nothing has happened since I began my writing. Perhaps that’s true. Perhaps it’s the hormones talking. I’ll postpone taking score for now.

I went back to The Work this morning. I began a chapter that opened another dimension for me. You know that old OUTER LIMITS intro? Yeah, it felt like that. It’s about doing The Work on underlying beliefs. I’ve got a million of them! 999,998 are not serving me. Although I may harbor more than my share, I think it’s safe to say we all carry our inner world through which we create our outer world? Do we not proudly carry our opinions formed God knows when or where?

for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.  ~  Shakespeare

Apparently, the practice has been around for at least 400 years.

I don’t believe my beliefs have always hurt me. Especially not in the beginning. They started out slowly….one here….one there….they had a party….invited some friends….maybe got trashed….and THEN DESTROYED THE PLACE! With the many underlying beliefs I’ve collected over the years, hiding out undetected, growing in number and strength – well, they do have the power to hurt me now. It’s time to kick the freeloaders out.

It was fun – yes, fun – to see how off I was. Some of these beliefs involve others, but most of it is my thinking within myself – the only world we all have, no? Thoughts about success, money, appearance, etc, etc. It feels good to investigate them all, put them through the wringer, and see what comes out the other side. Usually freedom and a love of reality.

I would elaborate more, but I’m not sure that I can yet.

On a playful note, I’m planning a little camping trip. Nothing big, but I haven’t taken a vacation this year. I think I’m going to go with Jeremiah, and we may take Lilly, the dog. She’s getting old, although she’s in good shape. Before it’s too late, I’d like to do something special with her. My son laughs about that. But the campgrounds don’t make it so easy. We’ll see.

I’m also beginning to plan my cross-country trip. I’m starting very simply.  How long (distance) and how much (greenbacks). Planning always excites me. A plan requires somewhat of an expectation. An expectation signals the Universal forces to begin moving. And that triggers Law of Attraction. This stuff is better than drugs!

I’m working tomorrow. I’ll post if the day isn’t too crazy.

Thanks, as always, for being with me.

It’s becoming more difficult to post every day.  I began working at a temporary, part-time job.  Additionally, I’ve had a blessed increase in energy.  With this new spark, I’m beginning to make my way through projects that lay inactive for so long.  Recapturing my vitality was largely what I hoped for from this 90-day period.  It’s all good – the spaces in my life are beginning to fill up.

I’m happily committed to journaling the full 90 days (from start to finish is actually 95 days from the solstice to the equinox), but it’s shifting towards several times per week and not daily.  That’s a very good thing.  I’m making progress.

Still, I often wonder if I’m getting anywhere.  There’s been no startling changes yet.  Although I am feeling progressively better.  Baby steps have to count for something, right?  In my experience, baby steps, continuously taken, eventually become a completed journey – despite my feeling otherwise.

Historically, now would be the week in my cycle when I tumble down into my black hole.  Yet I’m feeling rather chipper.  Except I wasn’t so perky after my colonoscopy yesterday.  Which seemed reasonable.

I’m making headway on one of my “stories”.  For years, I’ve been self-righteous about the entire medical profession.  To be sure, I’d run to the nearest emergency room if I broke a bone or severed a limb.  As for preventive medicine and healing diseases, I thought the entire health care system was backwards, misinformed, and possibly evil.

But my two outpatient procedures restored my faith.  I found everyone I came in contact with – registration, nurses, anesthesiologist, doctor – were no less than angels in uniform.  Each of them had a knack for putting me at ease with a smile, a joke, or an outstretched hand laid on my arm.  They even sent me home with a thank-you card signed by everyone who attended me.  All of the nurses and two doctors I spoke with are versed in alternative options.  This is groundbreaking!

Have they changed or was I blind?  More accurately, Law of Attraction brings me proof of what I expect.  These experiences have restored my faith in the medical profession.  Which helps me immensely.  It serves me to seek out the best in everything.  And to drop the many self-righteous stories I’ve created.

So, I’m feeling great.  I’m often sculpting, honing, and toying with my dreams of travel and writing.  This helps keep me open and joyful.  I’m remembering that I need to nothing.  It’s not my job to work out all the details.  My work is to feel as good as I can.  And act when I feel inspired to do so.

Otherwise, I have nothing enlightening to report.  It’s 1:30 am.  I have to work in the morning.  In my effort to reintroduce cooked food, I had a glass of soda with dinner.  Total crap, I know, but I love the stuff.  That shot my chance at any sleep.  I haven’t had caffeine in two years.  My body, apparently, isn’t taken this lying down.

With this extra time I’d normally be using to sleep, I’m working on a new wall unit in my office.  But I figured I’d take a few minutes to touch base.  In my wired, overtired, sleepwalking state, it’s too much to expect that my ramblings would be at all insightful!  But I showed up!

As always, I appreciate that you have also!

At 7:30 am tomorrow, I have appointment as an outpatient at the hospital.  I’m scheduled for one of those unmentionable procedures they like to do to people over 50.  Worse still (although I could change my tune tomorrow), I haven’t been allowed to eat a morsel all day.  And I have to take what I believe are THREE different laxatives.  I began taking them, hence the need for speed.  Additionally, I slept only four hours last night.  Hungry, tired, and sprinting to the bathroom is not a great recipe for writing success.

But I quickly want to recap my last few days.

I started eating cooked food again.  Go figure.  I was given a diet for the 5 days before my procedure that is the all-time-most-unhealthy-diet ever.  No. Fiber. At. All.  No fruit – except bananas.  I thought I would do a 5-day mono fast.  I’ve done two-week stretches before.  But my heart just wasn’t in it.  I felt more and more deprived.  And this has been my mantra for a while.  It was time to stop.  Deprivation eats me alive.  It’s not something I can allow for any length of time.

Here’s the funny part.  I won’t tell you what I ate, but rest assured not a speck of it resembled anything healthy.  (It tasted like heaven!)  I ate the Standard American diet the next day, too (yesterday).  First oddity, I found myself happy to work out.  I roller-bladed.  I spent 30 minutes on the elliptical.  Then I lifted weights for an hour.  When I got home, I walked my dog at a brisk pace (the first time in a really long time) for 3.5 miles.  While on my “healthy” diet, I had to push myself to exercise more often than not.  And too often, I blew it off altogether.  There are many people thriving on this diet.  And they’re true athletes.  But I just wasn’t able to get myself into that groove.

Additionally, my attitude/vibration/set point is higher.  I’m feeling much lighter and more hopeful about everything.  Perhaps this is a passing thing, but I’m always grateful for a freebie.

I started cleaning my house yesterday.  I’ve been a clean freak my entire life.  Not of the compulsive sort, but keeping my home tidy has always been important.  I breathe easier.  Yet, for the first time in my life, I’ve let the house go to hell.  This, on top of living in a construction zone with our renovations is enough to really get under my skin.  But yesterday, I found the energy that’s been eluding me.  I began to clean the house.

I’m excited about getting back into some renovating projects.  (But not scraping.)

And I’m really thrilled about a book idea.  Whether or not I take it anywhere, having a dream to focus on always lifts my spirits.

Central America no longer calls me.  I wanted to go so that I could eat fruit throughout the winter.  That was the driving reason.  The thought of apples all winter in New England was more than I could bear.  I’d still like to visit, but in a much different way.  Perhaps a family trip in January or February.  This means I can start knitting again!  (Who needs wool sweaters in Central America?)

Now I’m dreaming of a cross-country road trip.  I think it’s US 80 that spans the lower US.  Along the way, I’ll stop and visit everyone I know.  And everyone I don’t.  I wanted to do something like this right out of high school.  At the time, hitchhiking was my preferred mode of transportation.  But my sister had run away from home, and when my father found out I planned to take to the road (although I was, then, years from graduating) he became very angry with me.  I know fear caused his reaction, but I really adored my father.  I stopped dreaming my dream.  In later years, I so wished someone would have helped me to plan.  Rather than hitchhiking, what if one of my parents walked me through how I might be able to make it happen.  By saving for a car for starters.  But that’s not how it went.

So, 33 years later, I’m thinking of giving it a go.  Which leaves me at about the same place I was before:  with a need to manifest the funds.  Only the destination has changed.

Finally, I’ve spent the last several days really high on all of this.  I can feel myself stepping into that which I’m in the process of becoming.  The aspects of myself I’m seeking and all wonderful things I’m drawn to.  Like being an author.  I’m trying that on for size.  Something found its way into my head a long, long time ago.  I’m not sure how, but it’s never left me.  Forty-two weeks on the New York Times bestseller list. So I’m playing with that.

Any many, many more wonderful visions.  Life is good today.  If I can exercise these muscles A LOT when I’m feeling good, it’ll go a long way toward helping me when I’m not.

And now, I really must go!  (All too literally….)

Oh, I’m having anesthesia tomorrow.  I felt really groggy the entire day last week when I had it.  Chances are very good I won’t post tomorrow.  If that’s the case, I’ll see you Thursday.

I did think about it.  I can’t speak for Scarlett.

Jim and I talked about this.  He said, “Sometimes, getting in alignment sounds easy and makes the most sense.  And sometimes, I just want my stuff.”

I can relate.

Our discussion reminded me of the advice I get on 30 Bananas A Day . I’m always told to eat more fruit, more fruit, and still more fruit. While the object of most diets is to cut calories, the aim of 80/10/10 is to increase caloric intake. Like to 3000 for starters. One girl is eating over 5000-6000 per day!  BUT, as a result, her energy level is UN-FREAKIN’-BELIEVABLE! More carbs (fruit) ostensibly leads to more energy, better ability to exercise (they call it play), improved moods, enhanced sleep – you name it. It’s the fountain of youth, guys. Personally, I can’t confirm this fact.  I’ve never gotten over 2500 calories. I’m usually hovering at 1800 – 2100. AND, I’m frequently out of sorts – in addition to fighting cravings.

For the first time today, I saw a similarity.  I’m walking around “under-carbed” in my spirit as well. I’m always gonna get into alignment.  Except I rarely do. The times that I am is, I hate to admit, by accident. I not only need to take control of my eating/health, but my vibration, too.

I wanted to offer an excerpt from Abraham as it really spoke to me.

….in other words, when you don’t have enough of something, you ask for it. When you are sick, you ask for wellness. When there’s confusion, you ask for clarity. And, of course, you are asking at all levels of your being.  Even the cells of your body are asking, asking, asking. Consider this, the cells of your body, introduced to something unwanted (maybe it’s a bacteria, a virus, or something that you’ve ingested that is toxic, something blowing around in your traffic), and as it touches the cells of your body, your cells – trillions of them – each of them consciousness in their own consciousness right – launches a request for improvement. And, ordinarily, when a cell or a mass of cells asks for something, under ideal conditions, they ask and what they are asking for is immediately given.  And so they just find alignment within their new request. That’s happening in your body all day every day.

But if you’re ornery about something….if you’re overwhelmed about something….if you are angry about something so that you have a vibrational thing going on – an emotional attitude going on where you are chronically beating the drum of something unwanted, and therefore chronically introducing a vibration of resistance into your vibrational patterns – then, even though the cells of your body are doing just what they know to do (asking for improvement and, under normal conditions, finding it immediately) they can’t find it because you’re blocking the signal with your overriding vibration.  Which is evidenced to you by your negative emotion. Did you get that? In other words, all sickness that exists is because of cellular….let’s find the perfect word….cellular hindrance. Cellular hindrance that you could do something about – if you knew what your negative emotion meant.

You could say every day, from now on, when you’re in a bad mood or when something’s really got you down, or when you’re just enraged about something, you could say, in the midst of that emotion, rather than saying, “Oh, I’m in a bad mood,” or “Oh, this is really an unjust thing that has happening,” you could say, more accurately and more to the point that matters to you, “I’m right now in the act of cellular hindrance. Because I’m preventing Law of Attraction from making the cells of my body the cooperative components that they are meant to be.

I’m not only in the act of cellular hindrance, I’m in the act of monetary hindrance. I want more money, I’ve clearly asked for it, it’s all cued up for me, Law of Attraction has assembled it and all the cooperative components so the path to my abundance has already been – not just scoped out – it IS already vibrationally in existence, present tense, but I, because I choose to be ornery or angry or depressed, I am choosing monetary hindrance today. Why am I doing that? It’s just what I do. Not just me, everybody around me. People I work with do it, too.

I was actually raised in that sort of an arena. When things go right, we smile. When things go wrong, we frown. And we just observe all over the place, and so when we observe good feeling things, we feel good, but if we should observe bad feeling things, then we feel bad. So I am a chronic conductor of observational vibration. Observational vibration. What does that mean? It means my vibration always matches what I’m observing. Oh, I even have a better label – observational vibration by default. What does that mean? It means I pay no attention to what I’m observing. I just observe what’s loudest or in my face. I observe it and I respond to it and then I participate in cellular hindrance, monetary hindrance, relationship hindrance – I’m just a hindering fool!

But I’m changing.  More on this tomorrow.

I went to the Doctor today.  He says I’m fine.  I almost never use the word fine. AA was big on acronyms:  fine stood for fucked-up, insecure, neurotic, and emotionally unstable. I learned to say I was ANYTHING but fine in AA.  So I didn’t know what to say when the Doctor told me I was fine.

It seems there’s a glitch in our medical system.  The Endocrinologist tells me I’m fine.  As does the Gastroenterologist and the Hemotologist.  (I seem to have every “ologist” imaginable on my dance card.)  Yet there are enough signs that I’m not up to par.  Where do I go? I ask him, Who should I speak with? He smirks.  He doesn’t know what to tell me and I’ve put him on the spot.  He tells me to go back to the doctor that sent me to him.

“You know,” I tell him, “I’m beginning to feel like a PC.  When you have a problem with a PC, it doesn’t matter who you call – you gotta call someone else.  The hardware people tell you it’s a software problem and vice versa.  That’s why I bought a Mac.  You make one phone call, and they always handle your problem.  But with medicine, it’s even worse than a PC.  There’s a myriad of specialists – and I’m being sent to all of them!”

Yeah, back to cleaning up my vibration.  When the world is not showing up as you would like, you only have yourself to work on.  I’ve got to get into alignment.  AGAIN!

In the spirit of honesty, I must tell you that I’m not spending a lot – I’m not spending anywhere near enough time – doing that.  Getting in alignment is always the answer, but I’m quickly caught up in something else and I forget.  I’m ticking off the days right and left here.  I’m more than one-third of the way to my deadline.  I wonder when I think it would be a good time to get started.  Maybe tomorrow.  Yes, I’ll think about that tomorrow.  Me and Scarlett.

See you tomorrow!

I’m not sure how much I’ve already explained here.  Several months ago – maybe the end of May – I wasn’t able to sleep and spent my night trawling Facebook.  I found many friends that I hung with when I was around 16 through 19.  Maybe longer.  It sure seemed longer.  One girlfriend was a schoolmate that I knew longer still.  So I planned a trip to see them – those that are still on Long Island anyway.

I’ve thought about my visit for the past few days, yet I’m still unable to describe how it felt.  I’ve never had lifelong friendships.  I’m not sure why.  I would just move on and that was the end.  With these friends, I think I became hell-bent on hanging in the bars.  I was primed for alcoholism; the lure of the bars and the boys beat the bonds of friendship.  (Some alliteration there, huh?!)  That’s just kinda how it was.  I moved on.

I said to Jim one night after finding these friends, “I don’t think there’s ever been a time in my life, before or since, when I felt so loved.”  That’s a packed statement.

Several months ago, I watched STEEL MAGNOLIAS and FRIED GREEN TOMATOES again.  Ah, those Southern relationships.  They seem so tight, so close, so unconditionally accepting.  I was missing that in my life; I felt a hole.  The South seems like a place where people are born, raised, and then die in the same town.  I’m certain that’s not entirely true, but that’s how it’s portrayed in the movies I watch.  That kind of living seems to encourage acceptance of people as they are.

I’ve experienced this in some of my relationships throughout my life.  Usually in ones with daily interaction.  Like AA.  Also the ashram I lived at for a bit.  And I had forgotten, but this same tolerance was in my adolescent friendships.  To some degree, I experience this when I work, too.  I just haven’t worked with others for a while now.  I’m sure my feeling of emptiness drew me back to these special friends.

There were a dozen or more of us at a party Friday night.  I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in years.  Far too many years.  We were giggly and silly and downright crude.  About six of these friends still live within the same town and see each other all the time.  They know each other better than their husbands know them!  I felt an ache, wondering how it would have been had I stayed.  But that certainly was not my path, nor could it have been.

Maybe I’ll write one of those great friendship stories – with a Northern slant!  There’s a tale to tell, of this I’m sure.  Many things have happened to those crazy, fun-loving teenagers who were so convinced they were invincible.  Most of us have come through, albeit with a few more wrinkles and a bit more flab.  And perhaps a hint of sadness that’s never gone despite all our laughter.

I’m certain we wouldn’t be friends if we met now.  It’s the bond of our childhood that’s responsible for the easiness we share.  We span the full spectrum socioeconomically, but that’s not a wedge between us.  And some of us still have our roles!  One of us is still the femme fatale.  This seemed funny to me at first, but hey, that’s who she’s always been.  One of us is battling serious illness.  Each of us has our own path, our own flaws, and our own strengths.  Each of us is completely accepted as we are.  This is a gift, and I missed it the moment I left.

Although not the most flattering picture of any of us, I wanted to share this with you.  We weren’t actually grimacing, the sun was really bright.

I wonder why it’s so hard to cultivate that unconditional acceptance in my life now.  That’s not to say that I don’t take people at face value, I really do.  But I’m also not friends with all of them.  Being together daily seems an important factor.  I live that with no one but my husband, son, and dog.  Perhaps another aspect is that I’m older now.  More discerning.  I have honed that critical, judgmental voice.  Yet I wonder, if I was able to suspend this “intelligence,” might I have the pleasure of relationships as they once were?  Before I got so smart?  I’d like that.

While on Long Island, I drove past many of my old haunts.  Double entendre intended.  My ghosts were everywhere.  I found so many aspects of me, versions of me, that had been forgotten long ago.  In relating stories with my friends, I saw that I often did or didn’t do something based on how it would affect someone else.  I was expert at putting myself and what I wanted last.  Fortunately, getting sober in AA helped a lot.  Yet I recognize traces of this still. It felt good, and important, to reunite with these ghosts of mine.  As though they’re a part of a key I’m looking for.  There’s not much else to say on this part.  Something is brewing, but there aren’t words yet.  I can feel movement in the direction I’m wanting to go, and that’s a cool thing.

Day 39!  I’m through more than my first month, with less than two to go.  Am I any closer to magically and effortlessly manifesting my dreams?  I can’t say.  Perhaps the first month was a time for house cleaning.  I sure did a lot of that!  (Figuratively speaking.  In literal terms, my home is still a mess.)

I’m 30 days clean today with my eating.  That’s huge.  My son just made a tuna fish sandwich on toast and I’m tempted to rip it off his plate and gobble it down.  It’s not easy yet, but I’m showing up.  I feel some guilt about sharing this.  I’d prefer being a living, breathing commercial for how healthy and easy this way of eating is.  Because I really do believe in it.  To say that it’s been effortless would be a lie.  But others have found it easier than I have.

Central America.  What’s up with that?  If memory serves me, the trip and a vocation were my biggest desires.  I should be fanning these flames.  But look at me – I’m so easily distracted I’m not even sure what my dreams were!  I’m hopeless!  I’m not certain about Central America.  I have mixed feelings about driving off into the sunset on my own.  Scared and overjoyed.  I’m playing with the idea of traveling the lower states in the winter and visiting people I know along the way.  That sounds easier for me (always look for the path of least resistance).  But it’s not the tropics.

I’ll just keep conjuring up the feelings I want to experience and see where I’m drawn.

Thanks for tuning in!  It’s always a pleasure to have you here….

(I’ll try to make tomorrow much shorter.  I always have to cut, cut, cut.  Because I’m so verbose!  But I’m recovering from anesthesia today and didn’t have the inclination to spend so much time editing!)

I ran a lot of errands yesterday and visited the Doctor. By the time I arrived home, I could have written to you or walked Lilly. Lilly won – we both needed it.

My husband asked at the last-minute if I could work with him today; I’m going to Doctors appointments out the kazoo; and I need to pack for a weekend trip.

The Doctor visits are a good thing. For years, I wanted nothing to do with the medical world. But now, I’m happily anticipating a partnership which helps me achieve the vitality I crave.

And the weekend trip? I found some very dear and wonderful friends on Facebook. We haven’t seen each other for 30+ years, and I’m heading to Long Island for a visit. I’m really excited.

All is great. Really. I couldn’t be better than I am at this moment. Life is wonderful.  I passed the 21-day mark with my low-fat, raw vegan diet.  That’s not to say I’m in the clear, but it only takes 21 days to create a habit (good or bad).  I know I’ve turned a corner with it – whatever the heck that means!

I could try to write and throw myself off in another area, but that’s not what this is about. I beg your patience, dear reader. Tomorrow is looking as busy, and I leave on Friday. Barring unforeseen circumstances, I’ll be back in touch early next week. Unless I find a quiet moment and just have to tell you what’s going on. Until then…..

Marianne Williamson used to have a saying I liked.  I don’t remember it exactly, but it had something to do with asking God for help.  The first thing He says is, “Thank you.”  And next, “Fasten your seat belt!”  Because once you invite God in, everything unlike God will be swept away.  Something like that.  I began this blog hoping to realize my desires – travel, vocation, and I’m no longer sure what else.  Which, in turn, seems to have called forth a maelström of “house cleaning.”  Don’tcha hate it when that happens?

I’ve spent time with myself these last few days.  It’s become clear to me that I have forsaken myself along the way – for no good reason I can think of.  It was simply an oversight.

Relationships are extremely important to me.  So is having fun and feeling rested.  More important than all of these, although I didn’t know this until now, is responsibility.  My husband is not much different.  Although, in his defense, he goes long and hard and then takes time off.  My way, even when I’m shot, has been to try to get one more thing done.

At least that’s how it was.  For a while now, I seem unable to even start the simplest of things!  Breakdowns are never really a surprise.  They’re the 2×4 upside the head because you wouldn’t pay attention to the subtler messages.  I got really good at not listening to my emptiness.  To my sadness.  To my frustration and anger.  Isn’t that what mid-life is about?  I think it’s a wake-up call:  if you’re not happy with what you’re doing – change it now.

I don’t mean to paint such a grim picture.  My life is not at all terrible.  But checking out on myself, abandoning myself for a tick on my endless list – that’s blasphemy.  Because each time I desert my small self, I cut myself off from Source also.  No wonder I’ve felt lonely.  An emptiness that no one, despite their effort and ability, could stave off.

I’m en route home.  In search of the still-small voice.  I’m recalling images of things I liked as a child.  Children are amazing beings.  Even in the worst of situations, they find a way to live in joy.  A good imagination and a still-close relationship with their Maker is their greatest tool.  That’s what I’m looking for.  The simplest and fastest way to my center.

I climbed a tree yesterday and hung out up there for a while.  I used to love sitting in trees when I was a kid.  I suppose I was meditating, but I didn’t call it that.  Kids never meditate, they’re just ONE. Amazingly, it felt as great hugging limbs yesterday as it did 40 years ago.  A bird landed on a branch near me, and made me feel Godlike.  I looked over my surroundings from my perch, and beheld all was good.

Before I knew it, I broke out the hoola hoop!  I was great at it years ago, but couldn’t get past 10 yesterday.  Cool, something to practice.

This is my work for a bit – to recapture that quiet mind from childhood.  I worked out this morning, and enjoyed being in my body instead of thinking how much I want to be done so I could tackle the next thing I don’t want to do.  It’s a little frightening without the whip at my back, but I think, in the end, it’s the only way I’ll ever really get anything done.  I know it’s the only way I’ll ever be at peace and joyful.

I don’t feel the need to expound upon the dark times.  It’s hormonal.  It’s horrible.  Everything feels wrong.  And I feel certain that nothing ever was right.  Not waking up in the morning sounds blissful.  It’s definitely not the place to be.  I hope the doctors can help.  Yet the doctors cannot change my vibration – my point of attraction.  Any physical manifestation is resistance built up.  Plain and simple.  It’s my job to lessen the resistance.  I control the outcome of my unbearable manifestation.

I felt slightly better yesterday, and became human again sometime last night.  Jim and I went to see some live music.  A dear friend of mine called last-minute and decided to meet us there.  We’ve got a great venue 15 minutes from our house.  The place is brand new, small, intimate, and has some really great talent.  I like supporting live music.

Although Jim is not experiencing the physical/emotional problems that I am, he said that he’s felt tired and uninspired lately.  It seems we’ve forgotten how important fun is.  One day fades into the next.  Work, eat, sleep.  Get up and do it again.  I certainly have more freedom than Jim does, but I don’t have Jim.

So we’re starting a fun diet.  I don’t know what that means yet.  What would be fun for me?  I’m not sure.  But we’ll start with band-hopping because we know we like that.  I’m planning to see a band with Jeremiah on Monday.  On Wednesday, Jim and I will head over to Connecticut to catch a show.

I love the country and mountains, but this past year (for the first time since I moved in 92) I miss the beach.  I loved living near the water.  I often walked the boardwalk at night, and that was enough entertainment for me.  Sometimes they would have square dancing.  I’m not into square dancing much, but somehow the world seemed more vivid watching everyone dosey-doe.

That’s akin to how I felt last night.  As I walked out into the summer evening after thanking the band, the night seemed a little more magical.  The stars twinkled just a bit brighter.  And there was a lightness in my step that hadn’t been there earlier in the day.  Jim shared these feelings.

It’s too easy for me to spend my days ticking things off my to-do list.  I’m not sure how I wound up here.  I was the partiest of party girls.  And now, I hardly ever remember to play.  I feel blessed to have these thyroid/hormonal issues.  If I didn’t come to feel out of control, I might have cruised along being mildly uninspired for years.  My God-given, fabulous sensitivity.  Amen.

I’m glad I’m feeling better.  I’m thrilled I’ve been restored to sanity (at least as close as I get).  I’m looking forward to my playtime.  Maybe this will become my new habit.  The old one sure doesn’t work for me anymore.